VEGAS 101

Since I decided not to force the whole dating issue anymore I apparently have become more attractive than ever, oh never mind those were hookers that were hitting on me in Vegas...no worries I wasn't looking for a date anyway.

The trip was tons of fun, by tons I mean that from the amount of elaborate meals I consumed that is probably the amount of weight gained in a four day trip.   The food in Vegas just keeps getting better and better and I can't resist going overboard when I am there.  This experience coupled with the time down from the back thing has not been kind to the mid section....oh well that is what today's and tomorrow's are for.

Flew up on Jet Blue out of Long Beach...it's a quick flight so I didn't bother bringing my ipod or any headphones.  BIG MISTAKE,  I ended up sitting next to a young dad with his 20 month old daughter that easily could be the next singer for Guns and Roses....this little cutie had a set of pipes on her that draws blood from ones ears.  I grabbed the flight attendant by the wrist after a few minutes of this and asked her no pleaded with her, any more earphones for sale, oh please please?  She looked at me knowingly and just shook her head no,  I wanted to cry too.  Then I thought wouldn't it be great if I did, not tears but if I just started wailing like the cute little toddler was, and then it started one of those chain reaction crying things, sort of like the dog barking chain in 101 Dalmatians.  By the time I was done laughing in my head and imagining the scenario we were on our decent, I was making faces at the toddler and she was trying to be brave, but you could tell her ears where going nuts, nose running, the whole nine yards.  Oh I remember flying with my daughter but since my wife and I were adults we were prepared.  Yup we drugged our kid before we got on the plane, not sure if it was to be nice, save embarrassment or out of courtesy but a big ole swig of dimetapp was always at hand, followed by a nice little nappy.  I passed on my wisdom to mr. young dad, he looked at me like I was crazy.  We finally landed and she smiled a big smile and then sneezed.  I am sure the next passenger in that seat will love it when he drops his tray and gets his slimy surprise.

I raced off the plane, only my carryon of course, I am a pro at packing and I figure if I am missing something or need something, just buy it there.  The cab line was only 3 deep and I was in and off to the hotel.

Stayed at the Luxor and the room was SUITE, or should I say the suite was sweet.  On the 22nd floor of the East Tower (top floor) with floor to ceiling windows, 800sqft with a full bar, huge bathroom...why do they have regular tvs was my first thought.  Don't you think they would put plasma's in these rooms.  I guess they already have those dumass armories so until they refurnish they are keeping those cheap ass Tvs. At any rate I really wish I could have had a party in this room, it had a dance floor by the bar, how suite (i mean sweet) is that.  Great time to be alone...NOT....

My phone rang and it was my buddy, his plane was on the ground and he was heading straight over to my hotel for a drink, then we could walk to his Hotel so he could check in.  He was staying at the Tropicana, big gambler he is and gets free rooms there on a regular basis.  I walked down to the lobby to get some bets in on the Monday Night game, stopped and threw a Ben Franklin in a video machine on the way and HELL YES on the third hand hit 5 of a kind for 400 bucks....NICE...off and running.

My buddy showed up, we will call him Jeff (why? because that is his name).  We put our losing bets in on the Monday Night Football game and then headed to the bar.  

After some cocktails we headed to the Tropicana so he could check in, when we got there I noticed an amazing amount of guys with cowboy hats and girls with bowed legs....all they were playing in the Casino was Country Music...then I saw the signs...WELCOME RODEO RIDERS....OMG, its the National Rodeo Finals...the whole town will be overrun with these folks.  Like any other group in the world some will be cool, some will just be and some will be assholes...but arsehole cowboys really know how to asshole it up...oh well....my fears where not justified unless you count the drunken cowboy peeing where there wasn't a urinal at NY NY or the one cowgirl that started yelling WTF are you looking at MF never seen a cowgirl before. (i didn't have my glasses on and was trying to read the sign behind her) I didn't have the heart to tell her she wasn't that interesting so I just kept walking.

Jeff went to check in and I dropped some more cash into a video machine...oh crap its on quarters oh well, I can pass the time....and WHAM 4 tress and an ace...hey ding ding ding ding, another 400 bucks....YES loving this so far...hope the tables are this obliging.  I moved to the Dollar Machines and by the time my buddy got back I had given half the money back, understanding that you are not supposed to win in Vegas is paramount...you have to be happy when you win or lose....no biggie either way.  We hit the Black Jack table and let me tell you I didn't see a face card for like 20 hands in a row....9 and a 4, 8 and a 6, over and over and over again.  By the time we had to leave for our dinner reservations I had dumped about 4bills...bad run oh well.  We headed off to the Bellagio, the cab driver told me that business was down 30% and gave me his card.  I told him we would call him for a ride any chance we could, he became our personal cab for the rest of the trip....it was fun having a special cab driver.  The dude reminded me of Babe Hill, if you don't know Babe was Jim Morrisons Body Guard and personal Rodie.  He also was my best boy years later at Universal Studios....

Anyway this is getting really long.....we ate at Picasso in the Bellagio, we ate at Emeril's Fish House at the MGM Grand, Gallaghers at NY NY, and The Cat House at the Luxor....all of them were really good the Foie Gras at Picasso was with roasted peaches and son of a bitch was it delicious...the best thing at Emerils was the Blue Crab de-constructed Crab Cakes with toast points, The Cat House had a trio of Creme Brulee that was world class and well Gallaghers is second only to Peter Luger in my book when it comes to a big ole hunk of meat...yummy..

Anyway the only other thing of real interest was one of our traditions.  We play Roulette at O'Sheas every time we go...it is a Shit Hole and a half.  We never go past the first table which coincidentally is next to the bar.  If I have to go to the bathroom I will cash out and go next door.

The best thing about this place other than it is the only place on the STRIP with IRISH CAR BOMBS is that you can get away with murder as long as you are tipping.  

For some reason I found myself using the term Bitch over and over, not in my regular vocabulary but was getting hammered and turning into Rick James or something....LOL...come on Bitch spin me an Eight, oh Fuck Yeah another God Damn Eight...omg Jeff joined in and we were rolling,  lets face it Roulette is a real game of chance but there are minor strategies.  I hit the 8 twice, 17 twice, 23 twice and 29 once in a matter of like an hour and a half, in between we were betting mountains of dollar chips on Black or even....and of course yelling "that's right Bitch" "gimme another color" the tipping was way over the top and the dealers and pit boss tolerated our antics knowing our luck would turn and they could have the last laugh...but the phone rang and it was Nick the cabbie...he was outside and wanted to know if we were ready...oh hell yes we were.  I cashed out with 4k and Jeff with about the same...NICE...

The rest of the gambling was all about lose lose lose but hey like I said you sure can't just win win win or there wouldn't be a Vegas now would there....but I paid my room bill, put away my flight money, paid for all of our meals, which were not cheap, all the cab rides, tips for everyone and I mean everyone...I think our tab at Picasso was the winner at 7 hundred bucks...but 340 of that was wine. (they have 60m $s worth of original Picasso's in the place for viewing)

The morning I was leaving I checked my bags with the bellman and hit the video poker machines again to kill time.....I was down to 10 bucks and hit 4 deuces for a grand...ahahahahahaha....maybe I should have stuck to Roulette and Video Poker the whole trip but who cares...I left Vegas with the whole trip paid for and an extra 22 hundred bucks in my pocket...

I already put the cash in my Vegas kitty for March.......

Oh I almost forgot we went and saw Chris Angel's show....ummmm how do I put this, oh yeah we walked out...LOL...

I

Don't Say Oops Like You Dropped a Nickel

Not sure why this didn't post when everyone was discussing wedding's but that's not really important now is it.

My Cousin Jim got married in one of the big old Cathedral's in Pittsburgh a few years back.  One of those huge places where every noise echo's for days.  Well he has four brothers, all of whom were ushers in the wedding and his best friend Jim (yes tons of jims in attendance) was the best man. 

Add those 6 to the 4 bridesmaids and maid of honor and the bride and needless to say it was a fairly large wedding party.  Probably in the neighborhood of 150 to 200 guests, everything was very beautiful.  The two tiny flower girls tossing flowers as they led the endless procession up the aisle were so adorable that the ladies in attendance started crying right off the bat.

The pipe organ blared the opening bars of "Here comes the Bride"  we all turned our heads in unison, Grace looked positively stunning.  She is a very tall Irish lass and made a very lovely bride.  Her dress was gorgeous, I think the train  of her gown must have been at least 20 feet in length.  It all made for a very memorable moment.

She finally arrived at the front of the church after what seemed like hours,  her father handed her off to my cousin, shaking Jim's hand and walking to his pew.

The entire Cathedral went totally silent, the Priest cleared his throat and then it happened, one of those moments to remember through eternity.  The unmistakable sound of one of the hugest farts emanating from the grooms side of the wedding party.  The reverberation rolled down the aisle and touched the back wall of the Cathedral, then headed back towards the alter where it seemingly (from the look on her face) hit the Bride between the eyes.  I didn't think it was possible that the church could become any quieter than it was but believe me it did.  After a moment (century) of very uncomfortable silence my cousin Jim (the groom) taking a visual ques from his bride to be turned and gave his younger brother Joe a look that could easily have made a mountain disappear.  

 Poor Joesph turning as red as a beet, just put his hand to his mouth and let out a very sheepish "OOPS"....Jim shot back almost instantly with 

"DON'T SAY OOPS LIKE YOU JUST DROPPED A NICKEL" .  

Oh my freaking god in heaven, after a few seconds of complete and deafening silence EVERYONE in the church started laughing I mean everyone....when the Priest finally got a little composure back he once again (and quite loudly) cleared his throat and started the service.

As you can well imagine; to this day, if you didn't just drop a nickel please don't try saying "oops" anywhere around any of my family.  You will get laughed out of the building.  Unless of course it is my cousins wife Grace, she is more apt to punch you in the nose.

THE FUCK YEAH GIRL

Mini three date series.

Date One- Memphis (Costa Mesa)

I actually met the Fuck Yeah Girl at the Halloween party in the previous blog.  So once I got out of Fancy Nancy mode I called Hanna and asked her if she thought Marilyn would be interested.  She made the call and I got an e-mail from her Marilyn the next day.  Not only did she say she would love to go out, but she actually had a place in mind.  Wow that was totally different than what I had become accustomed to.

Friday rolled in and I was off to pick her up,  she is 9 years younger than me so that was quite a switch for me, I had never dated anyone in my life that was more than a couple years younger and mostly stuck with woman my own age.   Hey its not like she is a teenager or anything, she is 43,  it was then that I decided I would never date under 40. Yes that will be my cutoff...wherein the hell that came from I have no idea but I do know for certain that I never want to be that old guy (even though I think I still look kinda of young for my age) with the chippie.  YUK! It's just not appealing to me in the least, call me crazy.

Marilyn gave me a brief tour of her little bungalow, it was really eclectic and I like that.  Off we went to the place she picked out "Memphis".  The place is a real dumpy looking building, both inside and out, the patio area (where we sat) wasn't level so your chair kinda of rocks when you move.  We got our menu's and ordered a bottle of wine, the menu was surprisingly appetizing, and better yet when the food came it was outstanding.  I highly recommend the joint if your in the So. Cal area.  (Charmaine, it's almost kitty corner from Mesa, next to the Lab). 

Conversation came very easy, in fact she was a chatterbox on every subject be it politics, music, movies whatever.  After dinner we went to Havana a cuban place and sat out by the fire pit on the patio and had a couple more glasses of wine.  That's when she started talking endlessly about television shows that she followed.  tons of shows I had never heard of, or may have heard of but never seen.

MY PIMP

Okay so this is the gal that used to work for me, Hanna...She finally moved out of her parents house at the tender age of 26.  She bought a small condo over on the border of Tustin and Irvine so I went over and took her a boat load of matching appliances, you know food processor, cappuccino machine, mixer...that stuff is really cheap at Target...who knew.

She was really, really nice to me when Joanne died and was directly responsible for dragging my ass out of the house for the first time 6mos afterwards.l  It was her birthday/Halloween party at her parents house.

I went as the Croc Hunter dude, it was the day after he died and my costume included the stinger in the chest with a trail of blood.  Surprisingly to me it was not all that well received by some of the folks, who doesn't get the whole Halloween is supposed to be like that thing?  

Hanna was also the one responsible for me getting back out and dating again.  She is the one that set me up with Fancy Nancy and also Crazy Mare (aka "Fuck Yeah Girl")  She started calling herself my pimp after the second setup.  Then she set me up with "00Nancy" but since that ended with the whole Jim gets what is left of his heart broken into tinier pieces she got out of the pimp business.

Anywho she just sent me this picture from the night I took her housewarming gifts over so I had to share it....maybe I should spin up a Crazy Mare episode for you....oh yeah that is my mission for my next post.  Actually ended up being friends with her and we have dinner once in a while, but whoohoo get some vino into her and look out.

Not sure what it is but since Joanne passed I have way more female friends than male??? I guess it has something to do with the fact that at least half of them listen to what I am saying...LOL...

The Wailing Wall

There's a grand old maid

Across the sea

So the story was recalled to me

And from dawn til dark, you hear her call

Down in front of the wailing wall

And she cries all day so sad and alone

til someone comes along and leads her home

Nobody listens and nobody seems to care

But everyday you'll find them there

Kneeling down

For sadness sake

Crying just as though their hearts would break

And from dawn til dark you hear them call

Down in front of the wailing wall

And they cry all day, so sad and alone

Til someone comes to lead them home

You know I don't listen, and you know I don't really care

But every day you will find me there

I am kneeling down 

just for sadness sake

Crying just as though my heart would break

And from dawn til dark you'll hear me call

Down in front of the wailing wall.

HI CHARMAINE

The Cable Dog

I think I know the problem.

It seemed a bit strange that a small block of channels disappeared from my television.  Having never really heard of this happening and since I don't watch that much television to begin with figured who cares, its not A&E the History Channel, The Food Network, Bravo, any of the Sports Channels or the Networks so its all good.

Slightly over a week went by and a poof, a few more stations were gone.  Oh god am I going to have to call Time Warner was all I could think.  I don't have a week to stay on hold and another week to wait for a service man.  I was in no hurry as the stations were not really on my radar, Tara did start to complain about missing some of her animal stations.  I started tracing cable around the inside of the house, checking everything I could think of off the top of my head, the back of the box, checking for loose connections you know the things that inept unqualified guys do when they are to lazy, busy or just plain to irritated to call someone to fix the problem.

Finally the problem started to get bad, in other words the block of channels that included Bravo, A&E and the Food Network was gone.  What the hell was going on, I surrendered and made the call to Time Warner

No shit, I called on my cell from Anaheim Hills...I was still on hold when I walked into my house in Huntington Beach some 45 minutes later, I had this pulsing in my neck.  I swear to god my carotid artery was about the size of your average garden hose.  Finally someone picked up.  I explained my dilemma and of course was told to reboot the system.  I tried to explain that this was already done but being the first line of Time Warner defense they insisted and I acquiesced.  When nothing happened, they tried to reboot from there end.

Then the rep. wanted to know what stations where missing in detail, I turned the television on and started going through the stations, well it looks as though most everything above the networks and HOLY SHIT everything just went blank....

I turned towards the windows throwing my hands into the air preparing to unload on the person on the other end of the line and that is when I saw it, or should I say her.....Santi our 65 pound American Pitt Bull Terrier, she looked like a Marlin that had just hit the bait. 

I was staring through the open hurricane shutters in my family room looking out on to my side yard and there she was, standing on her hind legs, almost moonwalking with the cable in her mouth like 30lb test line, she was some 20 feet or more from the corner of the house where the cable runs...I stood motionless looking out the window, all I could say was "I think I know the problem".

Time Warner showed up the next day, the service man thought it was funny as hell.  They didn't charge me a dime but he did make me promise not to let the dog watch TV for a week...?

YOU ASKED FOR IT MJ

Ok so Michelle in NYC told me she wanted to see this hat, and she wanted to see it now.  Since I am not opposed in the least to making an ass out of my self on occasion here it is.  Now I can go back to writing a post...LOL..

The hat is from Peru, a friend of mine's wife is from Peru and brought it back as a gift for me...they have some name but I don't remember what it is.  It is soooooooo freaking soft its unbelievable.

Yay freaking Yay i made it home

So I made it home, YAY!  I am beat, got in yesterday 7ish PM.  I will admit it,  Jim must be getting old because I am fried from the trips of the past few weeks. Finally ending up at my sister's house in Santa Rosa for Thanksgiving. The relentless back spasms for three days didn't help much but I am starting to feel better now.  

I really wish I would have taken a camera with me. I sent Charmaine tons of pics of my family via pic message on my phone so maybe she can describe them.  Hey maybe I can download pic's from my phone so i can share them with ya'll.  

I am very thankful that my housekeeper came yesterday before I got home so that i didn't have to flip out at whatever the house looked like from whatever the adventures of Tara where while I was gone.  She was looking a little uptight about coming home before i reminded her that this was Martha's Monday to clean. She started smiling really huge after that.

My brother is in the capable hands of my oldest sister Carol, she took him to her house in Durham (just south of Chico) after the Thanksgiving festivities at my sister Cindy's house.  So I am getting a rest from being caregiver, and very grateful.  He is actually doing quite well again too which is a bonus.

I am also doubting very much that I am really related to any of the people at Thanksgiving dinner with the exception of my daughter, my niece Corin and my nephew Lance.  I will recap the events soon when I get motivation to do this.  I was thinking of writing a paragraph on everyone that was there and then we could all play guess the relative...I am sure I would fail miserably.

One thing I discovered while in Cleveland was that I still have a stalker (a really cute one) there.  I have not seen her in years, she is my wife's best friend Stephanie's youngest sister. I drove over to visit Steph and Joe one day from Pittsburgh and she popped in.  She is 14 years younger than me...she used to follow me around like a puppy dog at weddings, funerals, whatever, but that was a long long time ago...she is now 38 and divorced and while i was visiting Steph...guess what she followed me around like a puppy dog.  It was like a stalker cocktail, one part flattering, two parts creepy and gave me the shakes...LOL...

Well back to the laundry, will try and get my thoughts together and write about the trip a little more coherently tomorrow.